Posted in Making It Up As I Go

On Writer’s Block

The act of writing is simple enough: it’s creating a couple lines on a page with a pen or tapping on a keyboard until words show up on a screen. I can do those things no problem; hell, I do them on a daily basis at work and around the apartment (my grocery list doesn’t write itself, unfortunately).

But there’s a creative aspect involved in crafting characters and setting and plot that isn’t needed when writing emails, and it can’t be forced.

I’ve mashed the keys on my keyboard in an attempt to write a story that didn’t want to be written, only to drag the file into the “Graveyard” folder on my desktop. Or on the worst days, I delete everything I write and leave the page as blank as it was when I started.

Those days of clawing my way through a single paragraph are demoralizing. And when writing day after writing day is like that, when weeks pass with nothing to show, when it’s been a month and I’m still not falling in love with a story, that’s when doubt starts to whisper into my ear.

It says: You’ve had a good run of this writing thing. Wrote for newspapers; had a few hundred thousand hits on an article; even got a short story published. But that’s over now. You might as well find another hobby that’ll fill the hours you’re not at work, like painting or balloon animals. 

I know–logically–that I shouldn’t believe doubt and all I need is to find the story that wants to be written. But logic isn’t all that comforting when I’m staring at a blank page, unable to live up to the writer label that I’ve carried like a badge of honor since I was eleven.

Fear is the seed of doubt; fear that I’ll never be able to write again and that I’m not actually a writer. So when a story isn’t ready or when my brain isn’t ready to work, I try to force it. The failure that inevitably follows leads to more fear and more doubt and more panic. Stepping away from the computer, going on a Netflix binge, and letting the story peculate in the back of my mind is the best way to get back in the saddle.

It feels counter-productive when it’s actually the opposite; my brain works out the kinks in stories even while I’m busying myself with other things. And then the time comes where I read a book or watch a movie, and I’m itching to write.

Words flow from my fingertips like there was never anything keeping them stopped up inside me. Everything is right again because writer’s block is temporary, even if it may seem otherwise.

Posted in Making It Up As I Go, Updates, Writing

2017: A Wrap Up

Three-hundred-and-sixty-five days is a long time, despite the fact that it often feels like a single day passes me by in the blink of an eye. And a lot happen for me in 2017. Both when it came to writing and to life in general. Sometimes when I’m in the middle of a rough spell, I forget how much I’ve accomplished. So this kind of post is a good way to remember the successes of the past year.

Here are the big things that I did in 2017:

The Map (March)
In 2016, I participated in the Collaborative Writing Challenge’s mystery project, The Map. The project wrapped up for the writers in September 2016, and the book was published in March of 2017. The eBook copy arrived in my email shortly afterwards. Over the summer, I ordered a paperback copy from Amazon for my “brag shelf.”

Attended ConCarolinas (June)
I talked myself into buying weekend passes to ConCarolinas in March as an investment in my writing career. I didn’t know where I was going to be job-wise and didn’t know if my introvert-slash-hermit tendencies would allow me to go. But it worked out, and I had an amazing time. Not only did I learn a ton during the panels, I credit my experience as giving me the confidence to submit a short story to an anthology.

“The Monsters of Bear Mountain” Accepted into Down with the Fallen (August)
A ConCarolinas panel on short stories inspired me to find anthology calls for submission, and I stumbled upon Franklin/Kerr Press’s call for post-apocalyptic horror. I wrote and revised “The Monsters of Bear Mountain” over the course of two months before submitting it. About three weeks later, I received an email saying that they had accepted my story. I couldn’t stop smiling for a whole hour after reading it.

Enrolled in College Again (August)
After serious soul searching about what I want to be when I grow up, I decided to enroll in classes at my local community college. I wholly believed I was overestimating myself when I signed up for five classes in addition to working full time. But I not only managed to keep up with my classes, I ended the semester with a 4.0 GPA.

Down with the Fallen Published (November)
Franklin/Kerr Press’s Down with the Fallen anthology–which included my short story–was published on November 7th. But what I’ll remember even more than release day was when I received my author copies in the mail. It was a couple days before the release, and I must have flipped through the book a dozen times. Seeing my name and my story was so surreal and amazing.

Finished Knitting a Poncho (December)
I started my first big knitting project in November: a poncho. I’d only worked on scarves before because they were so simple, but I wanted to accomplish something bigger. Something usable. While it’s not perfect by any measure, it’s complete and is something that I’m insanely proud of. I crafted it with my own hands. There are few things cooler than that.

Posted in Making It Up As I Go

Just One More Thing

I’m far more productive between the hours of 9 PM and 12 AM than I am at any other time of the day. It’s quite unfortunate considering I work a day job that doesn’t allow me to go to bed after midnight (Well, it does. I’d just fall asleep at my desk.)

This combined with building up momentum after finishing a task–whether homework or a bit of writing–makes it difficult to step away from the computer and head to bed. Or to get in the shower and then go to bed. I’m tempted to do just one more thing: write one more line, do one more homework questions, read one more chapter.

Because it’s only one thing, right? That’s true until one thing morphs into a second thing when I tell myself I’ll just do one more, and then the cycle repeats until it’s well passed my bedtime.

Trying to squeeze writing in between the hours I’m committed to my job and to school has only made this habit worse. I want to write. I will write.

I just need to get better about parsing out my time and only spending half an hour re-watching YouTube videos instead of an hour and a half. The time I have after work or after class and before bedtime is pretty finite. And it doesn’t do me any good do do just one more thing before saying that the day is over because it’s really just refusing to admit that I’m out of time but not out of things I want to do.

On that note, I need to get off my computer, head to the shower, and then tuck myself into bed. Goodnight to all, and to all, a good night.

Posted in Publishing, Writing

It’s Here: Down with the Fallen!

It’s official! “The Monsters of Bear Mountain” has been released alongside other short stories in the Down with the Fallen anthology.

I’ve been trying to write a release post for a few weeks but didn’t come up with anything that I liked. Then I got an email about a promo opportunity on a fellow writer’s blog (check it out here!) Unfortunately, I didn’t get my post edited before the deadline. But that did give me the basis for a post.

So here it is: a look at the story behind the story, or what inspired me to write this particular short story.

Every so often, the setting comes to me before the characters or the theme or even the plot itself. That’s what happened with this short story.

I saw a two-story ski chalet huddled into the woods on the side of a mountain. The air was colored the dirty gray of smog, and wind smashed snow the flat surfaces it could find. Within the forest, human-shaped figures shuffle through hip-deep snow.

The chalet itself is dark, but there are two people inside. A man and a woman.

I didn’t know who these people were, what these figures outside were, or how all of this fit into life in a post-apocalyptic world. I knew that I wanted to find out, and I did.

It’s available in paperback and as an eBook here. Grab a copy today! 

 

Posted in Making It Up As I Go, Movies, TV & Games

‘Tis the Season of Spooks & Scary Movies

Haunted houses and vampires and zombies are year round in my house (well, apartment,) so I don’t exactly need an excuse to curl up with a scary story. But indulging during the month of October is different; the world just feels better suited for watching horror movies.

It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed any of the not-so-creepy classic horror DVDs lined up on my shelf. And there’s no better time to dust off the plastic cases and revisit a bunch of old favorites.

In a perfect world, what movies do I want to watch this month? Oh, just a few…

  • Dracula 
  • Frankenstein
  • The Wolf Man
  • Dracula, Dead and Loving It
  • The Black Cat
  • White Zombie
  • Bowery at Midnight
  • Spooks Run Wild
  • The Mummy
  • Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
  • Paranormal Activity
  • Bag of Bones
  • Son of Frankenstein
  • The Babadook (Netflix)
  • Young Frankenstein (Netflix)

And with me being me, there’s bound to be a bit of live-tweeting while I’m curled up on the couch and watching these movies.

Now I’m not so out of it as to think that I’ll get through all the movies I want to watch. Between a full time job and going to school full time, I barely have time to do laundry and squeeze-in half an hour of writing a week. But these movies will serve as a creepy little carrot to coax me through the work.

Do you have any must-watch movies this time of year? Or any good (non-gory) horror movies that I should check out?

Posted in Making It Up As I Go

The One with the Cockroach

When I moved into my apartment, I established a truce with the local creepy-crawlies. I wouldn’t bother them when they chilled on my patio, and they wouldn’t come inside the apartment. Most of them seemed to have gotten the memo.

Except for Jeremy.

Jeremy is an amber-colored cockroach the length of my thumb, and he set up camp in the corner of my bathroom ceiling while I was in the shower.

Jeremy: Hey, SE! You should dust once in a while.

Me: What the f#$&?!

Jeremy: I know, I know. No one thinks about dusting their shower, but this little ledge where your shower meets the wall collects dust.

Me: You’re a f#$&ing cockroach. In my f#$%ing shower.

Jeremy: I’d help you out. Really, I would. These scrawny little arms can’t hold onto anything.

I’d only just finished rinsing the shampoo from my hair, so I couldn’t exactly hop out of the shower then and there. That left me the choice of standing with my back to Jeremy (and being unable to see him if he decided to join me in the tub) or staring the creepy little bastard down. I decided to keep my eye on him.

And of course, Jeremy didn’t shut up the whole time.

Jeremy: Apart from the dust, you’ve got a nice bathroom here. I really like your shower curtain; is it from Target?

I bolted out of the shower and the bathroom in record time, and I made doubly sure that the bathroom door clicked shut. I also hoped against hope that Jeremy wouldn’t scoot out the half-inch gap between the door and the linoleum floor.

Then, I dressed for battle. Meaning I tossed on my over-sized Twilight nightshirt, stepped into black-and-white plaid pajama pants, donned my cowboy boots, and tucked said pajama pants into said cowboy boots. Because I was going to be damned if Jeremy crawled up my boot and into my pants.

I gathered a broom and a glass bowl with a lid from the pantry before heading back into the bathroom. I was only partially relieved when I saw that Jeremy hadn’t left his corner above the shower. Only partially because I still had to get him out of my apartment.

Jeremy: They say that you’re not supposed to shower without the fan running, but I love how all the steam turns the entire bathroom into a spa.

Me: All right, motherf#$%er, time to get your ass out of my apartment.

I used the broom’s bristles to gently tap Jeremy’s behind and encourage him out of the corner. He wasn’t exactly thrilled.

Jeremy: Hey, what’s this? What’re these blue pieces of straw bumping against my butt for?

I pressed the glass bowl into the corner of the shower, right in Jeremy’s path. He balked at stepping over the rim. Tried to go left and then right. But I used every iota of resolve in me to herd him toward the bowl rather than dropping everything and running out of the apartment while screaming THERE’S A F#$%ING COCKROACH IN MY BATHROOM at the top of my lungs.

Then suddenly, Jeremy scuttled into the bowl, and I nearly whooped with joy. I eased the bowl and the broom to the floor, and reached for the black lid. Just as I was ready to swap out the broom for the lid, I realized something: I couldn’t see Jeremy through the bowl’s glass bottom.

Jeremy: Ya’know, I don’t like that clear dome-thing. It almost looks like there ain’t anything there to keep me from falling to my death. So I’m gonna just hang out here on this blue straw roof.

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me. How am I going to get him outside now?

Foresight is 20/20. I’d unlocked the sliding glass door in my bedroom that opens out onto the patio, which meant one less thing to struggle against; however there was still the challengeof maneuvering through my narrow apartment with a broom handle held horizontally and then opening the slider without my hands.

I managed it. I created new swears under my breath, but I managed it. I released Jeremy into the wild that is my patio.

Jeremy: This… isn’t your bathroom. Is it? Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice, but I’d rather go back inside.

Me: No f#$%ing way.

Jeremy: Cool, cool, I get it. It’s your apartment. I’m just gonna scurry under the deckbox over there. See you tomorrow!

Me: I better not.

Fortunately for me, I haven’t spotted Jeremy anywhere. Not in my apartment and not on my patio. Maybe he’s found another bathroom to call home. Or maybe a pantry somewhere. There are lots of apartments in my complex after all. I really don’t care, so long as he stays the f#$% out of my apartment.

 

Posted in Writing

My Medium-Sized Secret: The Monsters of Bear Mountain

I’ve been keeping a secret for about a month now. It’s not a universe-changing secret, like SURPRISE, I came home with a Great Dane puppy or SURPRISE, I ran off to Las Vegas last week and got married.

No, it’s a slightly smaller than that. Maybe more of a medium. That’s what it is: a medium-sized secret.

So what exactly is this medium-sized secret? I sold a short story.

“The Monsters of Bear Mountain” is being published in Franklin/Kerr Press’s post-apocalyptic horror anthology, Down with the Fallen. It’s going to be available as an eBook and as a paperback on November 7th. Pre-orders are now up on Amazon for the eBook, and it’ll eventually be available through Barnes & Noble and Books-a-Million as well in eBook and paperback form.

I’m beyond excited. This is an awesome, creepy story that plays on some of my fears for life after the apocalypse.

Just a quick trigger warning: this story contains domestic abuse.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Movies, TV & Games

On “The Orville”

Spoiler Alert: This post contains spoilers for 
Episode 1 of The Orville.

Image result for the orville tv showThe Orville is billed as an ensemble comedy about the misfit crew of a star-ship. It’s too bad that the first episode was an homage to the “average white dude” trope with bonus (and completely expected) dick jokes.

Seth MacFarlane’s character–Captain Ed Mercer–is the star of the first episode, which is a shame since he’s not compelling or even interesting. He’s an average white guy that gets a job he’s barely qualified for. And the audience is supposed to be rooting for him because this is his last chance to prove himself after his wife cheated on him (which the audience knows happened because it’s literally the first scene in the episode.)

As boring of a character that Ed Mercer is, it could’ve been mitigated if the rest of the Orville’s crew had been allowed to show identities outside their relationship with the captain. The worst offense in the entire episode had to be Kelly Grayson, Ed’s ex-wife.

Kelly Grayson is shoehorned into the role of hated ex-wife that wants to make up to Ed for cheating on him. She’s referred to as a bitch and gossiped about before even meeting the crew; she takes the post of executive officer to better Ed’s standing in his superior’s eyes; she literally lobbied and called-in favors to get Ed command of the Orville.

Now, Kelly does come up with the solution to destroy the Krill ship, and that’s the silver lining to her character. It shows so much potential.

And she’s not the only one with potential. Isaac and Bortus and Alara Kitan and Dr. Claire Finn all showed that they can very well be compelling, engaging characters who may possibly be able to carry an episode on their own if given the chance. Even Ed, as blah as he was, shows at the end of the episode that he might have the potential to grow as a character.

It’s that potential which is going to make me tune-in tonight for the next episode. I might get burned by a show that’s allergic to creating an original story, or I might be pleasantly surprised. I hope Seth MacFarlane has it in him to surprise me.

Posted in Not a Good German

Don’t Be A Good German

In 2017, the only debate Americans should be having about Nazis and white supremacists is how best to kick their asses. Not about whether or not their hatred is free speech. And we sure as hell shouldn’t have white supremacists in the White House.

But that’s the reality. Evil that’s been too afraid to step into the spotlight since the fall of Nazi Germany has now taken center stage. And it’s past time for those who’ve been on the sidelines to take a fucking stand.

Call out a Nazi. Shut down racist rants. Donate to Jewish and Muslim and women’s and mental health organizations. Demand your senators and representatives do their jobs.

Whatever you do, don’t be a bystander. Don’t be a good German.

Posted in Movies, TV & Games

Women & the A-team

Image result for The A-teamThe A-team will always hold a special place in my heart. But it was a problematic show, to say the least. The female characters were shoehorned into one of two roles: plot device or love interest. More than once, those two roles were combined. There examples in every other episode, however I have two episodes in mind: “Children of Jamestown” and “Black Day at Bad Rock”. The A-team movie released in 2010 updated a lot of the story but the sexism remained.

“Children of Jamestown”–Season 1, Episode 2
Amy Allen tags along with the A-team as they rescue a young woman from a religious cult. Her presence doesn’t move the plot of the episode along, and the A-team would been just as capable of rescuing the young woman and subsequently taking down the Jamestown cult.

Amy’s role in the plot is to act like a delicate flower and thus enhance the A-team’s masculinity. She twice plays the decoy, praises the A-team’s abilities when they’re building a weapon, and is the foil to the A-team’s strength after they’re sentenced to death.

While Amy might not be a hardened soldier like the A-team, she’s an investigative journalist. She’d have to be pretty brave and capable to be successful in that career. So, yes, it’s unlikely she’s been in life or death experiences, but she’s probably been in some sticky situations before. Yet she turns into a wilting flower the moment things get tough.

“Black Day at Bad Rock”–Season 1, Episode 5
Dr. Maggie Sullivan is a doctor in the small town of Bad Rock when the A-team comes into town. She does three things in the episode: treat BA’s gunshot wound, call the military police on the A-team, and act as Hannibal’s love interest. She’s probably one of the most dynamic female characters in the series.

Dr. Sullivan plays a vital role in the episode by saving BA’s life. She patches him up the best she can and conducts a blood transfusion when a suitable donor arrives. Then she calls the police–albeit, a realistic response to treating a man with a gunshot wound–which is construed as negative since she’s turning in the show’s heroes.

Her actions are reasonable throughout the episode. She’s a strong woman who isn’t intimidated by a trio of dangerous fugitives. So what happens towards the end of the episode? She falls for Hannibal. In the episode’s final scenes, she’s seen in a romantic embrace with Hannibal and even kisses him. It undercuts the strength and capability that she showed earlier in the episode by leaving the audience with an image of her swooning over one of the heroes.

The A-Team (2010)
Captain Charissa Sosa is tasked with capturing the A-team after they escape from prison. She leads a team of soldiers across the globe in pursuit of men that the Army considered so dangerous that they sent all four of them to separate prisons in different parts of the country.

As a captain in the Army’s Defense Criminal Investigative Service, it’s easy to infer that Captain Sosa not only smart but a capable investigator. While she  isn’t a colonel like Colonel Lynch or Colonel Decker or a general like General Fulbright in the original series, the Army obviously believed she had the skills to catch fugitives that were once special forces.

However, Sosa is Face’s ex-girlfriend. When she’s about to have her soldiers capture the A-team, he distracts her by pulling her into a room, kissing her, and handcuffing her to a railing. That would qualify as assault. Not something a soldier in the military police would be happy about, whether the guy was her ex-boyfriend or not. Yet she facilitates the A-team’s escape at the end of the movie by kissing Face and passing him a key to the handcuffs.

***

The A-team influenced my writing. It still does to a degree. How could it not with all the hours I spent with Hannibal and Face and BA and Murdock?

I write strong women. Badass women. But for the longest time, she was always a daughter. Or a wife. She rose into her position thanks to the men in her life, and I can’t help seeing a connection with the female characters on The A-team.

I still like the A-team. It’s comfort food, like a big bowl of ice cream or a plate of chocolate fudge. Fun and delicious. But it’s important to acknowledge that it’s got its problematic aspects. Like calories. Or sexism.