B.S. Horoscopes for May

I have so much fun reading horoscopes. I know that they’re B.S., but that doesn’t make them any less interesting. So in the spirit of that B.S. and a desire to read some pretty badass horoscopes, I decided to make up some of my own.

Let me know what you think of yours in the comments.


Aries: Avoid your reflection for the rest of the day, unless you want to witness its murder at the hands of a Yeti.

Taurus: You would’ve found the Graystone Treasure today while walking along the old railroad tracks if Old Bill hadn’t dug it up last week.

Gemini: Today is a good day to stay in bed until noon and then make a blanket fort with the guy secretly living in your attic.

Cancer: Keep your mouth shut today to avoid pissing off the demon next door, or tomorrow you’ll wake up in the middle of a haunted corn maze.

Leo: Try something new when you’re out and about today, like summoning an army of possessed sloths while at the Dollar Store.

Virgo: Today, you’ll accidentally foil your nemesis’s plan to ruin your weekend, so go ahead and make plans without fear of being sidetracked.

Leo: It’s all fun and games today until you realize that you’ve finally achieved your lifelong goal of world domination.

Scorpio: Wearing white with black polka dots today will make all that bird shit falling for the sky less noticeable when you get hit.

Capricorn: The ghost living in your bathroom swapped your shaving cream for whipped cream this morning, just FYI.

Aquarius: Today you will bathe in the tears of your enemies, and then go out for Starbucks.

Pisces: Invest in a good shovel while out shopping this morning because you’ll need it to bury a body tomorrow.

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