When I chatted with my dogs on FaceTime the other day, Grace kept nudging Sampson. He sighed and said that she wanted him to talk about the new game Dad plays with him.
“It’s not really a game,” Sam said. “Dad just tries to keep me in the kitchen, and I break out.”
“It’s not a game. But if it was, I’d be winning. Dad’s only kept me inside the kitchen once, and I’ve escaped four times.
“The first time, Dad put one of those black gates in front of one doorway and the little wooden one in the other doorway. Then he went downstairs to do laundry. When I was trying to remind him that he can’t do laundry without my help, I bumped into the black gate and it moved.
“I looked at it for a second, trying to figure how that happened. So I tried bumping with my nose on purpose, and it moved again. There was also this gap between the gate and the edge of the doorway. The more I pushed, the bigger the gap got, and eventually it got big enough for me to fit through.
“Dad looked at us weird when Grace and I came downstairs. It was like he couldn’t figure out how we got out until he saw with his own eyes. Which is weird because he’s always calling me a smart shit.
“The next time, Dad put two of the black gates back-to-back and left the wood one where it was. That wasn’t a challenge either because I already knew how to move them. Then he tried putting chairs in front of it, so I went over to the wood gate and slid it to the side. The fourth time, I had to knock over the black gate, but I still got out.”
Jesus Christ, Sampson. If you keep this up, you’re not going to be able to stay in the kitchen when Mom and Dad go out. You’ll have to go to your crate.
“I don’t mind my crate. But Dad thinks he’s got me beat. He put the chairs in front of the gates before he went out today, and I couldn’t get them out of the way.”
I swear, if you figure out how to move chairs… Why the hell are you learning all this stuff after I move out?
“I dunno. I figure it won’t take me long to figure out how to move them, so I should have worked it out by the time you come see us again. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how I do it.”
I can hardly wait.
***Update: Sampson has since learned how to move chairs and has escaped again. I don’t know what I’m going to do with this dog.